


I must admit, I've dreamed of this

by Masterofceremonies



Series: All The Ways [1]
Category: Vikings (TV)
Genre: Athelstan's POV, Diary/Journal, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-02
Updated: 2016-03-02
Packaged: 2018-05-24 08:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6147698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masterofceremonies/pseuds/Masterofceremonies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Athelstan is keeping a journal because he cannot confess his sins to anyone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I must admit, I've dreamed of this

**Author's Note:**

> I had the idea to write one of those "five times" things where it was about five times Floki and Athelstan had sex, but then I realized I wanted to focus on HOW Floki had sex, not the specific times. I also really wanted to write it as second person POV and I got the idea that Athelstan would be the best "narrator" so I added in the journal introduction. This chapter is first person POV (I/me) but it switches to second person POV (you/your) in the later additions because Athelstan is writing the sex as if it's happening to another person. 
> 
> Enjoy, and PLEASE leave comments/kudos if you like it! It's all that encourages me to keep writing!

I still, after all this time, feel like an outsider among the others. It is not as if I have integrated seamlessly into their culture, and that is purposeful, but seeing as Ragnar holds so much sway over the others, I am seen as an extension of him. As such, I am tolerated, if not fully accepted.

The men of the town still treat me with a certain level of hostility, but seeing as friends and brothers fight like wolves simply for fun, I cannot say that I have been out rightly persecuted. Being fed mushrooms without knowing of the visions they cause is hardly the worst thing that could have happened to me. Or the worst thing that _has_ happened to me, for that matter…

Floki used to lead most of the attacks against me, if they can be called that. He seemed to loathe my very existence, and my closeness to Ragnar and strong sense of faith only antagonized his hatred. However, I think now it stems more from jealousy. I have accepted his gods, and I do not speak of Christianity anymore. I look like a pagan, I worship like a heathen, I fight like a Viking, but he still calls me “priest”. He is the only one to do so.

I remember thinking he wanted to kill me for a long while. I used to think I would die at any moment, either by Ragnar’s hand or his, or anyone I encountered, really. Lagertha might have topped that list, or Bjorn, for that matter. But ever so slowly I earned their trust, Ragnar’s trust, the other men’s trust, and yes, even Lagertha’s. Floki, however, remained staunch in his hatred of me.

Maybe he still hates me. He still treats me like a child, or rather, a Christian, which in his mind, is both more ignorant than a child and more deplorable for that ignorance. He still calls me priest, even when we lay together. 

That last sentence was difficult to write. My hands are shaking, even now as I ink my sins onto this page. It somehow makes them more real. Not that I somehow considered them insubstantial, but rather that my guilt has been suspended, tremulously, held back by spider’s silk, or the space in between heartbeats, but writing this makes me feel as if I am drowning in realization of every transgression I have committed against God.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

Forgive me because I intend to do so again. 

It is said that the devil does not catch you with pain, but pleasure. He tempts you with sweet words, and soft touches, comforts that poison your mind and soul against God. I know now that this is only half true. The devil promises pain so sweet that you know it as pleasure, or he delivers pleasure so consuming you feel it as pain.

The devil is real, and his name is Floki.

He is a complicated man, and an unpredictable one at that, which makes him a good fighter. As a lover, however, he is so much more.  He is as complex and unpredictable in the bedroom as he is on the battlefield, his mood and actions ever changing like the fire he imitates. It is hard, if not impossible for me to pick a favorite… _style_ of his, but I feel the need to detail his behavior. 

I need him.

I need him like I need air. I crave him like I used to crave salvation. He has corrupted me entirely, and twisted my soul until I hardly recognize it myself. But I am not blameless in this endeavor, and in fact, I most likely hold more guilt than Floki does.

There are many differences between Christian gods and pagan ones, too many to list, but one that shocked me more than most was the fact that homosexuality and sodomy are not considered to be sins by their gods.

Men are expected to have children simply to hold society together. Without sons and daughters, there are no warriors or shield maidens or farmers or tradesmen. The Viking bloodline and way of life would disappear. Seeing as the community is so tightly knit, not fulfilling your duty to procreate is seen as a failure.

If a man wishes to sleep with another man, they are not chastened nor punished, unless they are the man in the woman’s position. It is considered shameful to be feminine in any part of life, the bedroom most of all. A practice used to shame your opponents after defeating them in battle that have heard of, but thankfully not seen, is forcing them to submit to you sexually. It’s considered a conquest, a humiliation, and if a man _allows_ another to do that to him _willingly_ , he is seen as weaker.

The logic is... interesting. Not flawed, maybe, but... skewed. But I speak from a Christian's perspective, of course. Jesus Christ never turned into a woman. Loki is famed for changing shape and gender. Christian women are expected to stay quiet, stay home, and serve their husbands. Viking women can fight, own property, divorce, and if a man dares to lay a hand on a woman without her permission? He is punished by the town. That is, if the woman did not tear him to shreds first. 

I assume Floki has no issue with putting me in that position because I am already weaker in his eyes, so he has no qualms about debasing me in that way. Most men would never do such a thing to a kinsman, even if asked, even if they were not bearing the shame. It’s similar to how a Christian would feel about being asked to sleep with his brother’s wife. Or rather, how a Christian is _supposed_ to feel. 

I have let myself become cynical of western faith during my time living ~~amongst~~ as a pagan. It seems inherently hypocritical that Christians see Vikings as monsters when Christians crucified me simply for believing in another god. To be honest, I swore I was a Christian, swore I believed in one true God until my voice failed me as nails were driven in my skin. They did not believe me. I am not sure that I did either. 

Vikings believe the gods want them to experience pleasure, victory in battle, and wealth in life, unless, of course, you do something to upset them. Which is fair, if you examine it objectively. They worship them by sacrificing some of the excess they possess, but they do not give up all comforts, nor practice temperance or chastity. Christians believe that God frowns on lust or greed or gluttony, and that suffering is the best way to please God. As a monk, I was taught that hunger, pain, exhaustion, and injury would bring me closer to God. As a Viking, I was taught that sex, food, dancing, and battle would bring me closer to Valhalla. 

I have found, in my own personal experiences, that allowing oneself to partake in pleasures in life brings you closer to anything providential than suffering ever could.

It seems I have led myself astray from my original topic of choice. This journal is meant to take the place of confession, without requiring guilt or penance in recompense for my sins. It is hard for me to fully capture Floki’s…habits, but I will do the best that I can. I will try to write them as I experienced them, as if I were in the moment instead of reflecting afterwards. 

Maybe it will be easier to describe if I document my experiences as if they are happening to another… 


End file.
